the girl who sold ice cream in hell..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

the truth today.. may be a lie tomorrow..
or 5 minutes from now...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i open eyes...
my thoughts are of you...

for a second.. hope was born.. then dies..
a hope that you're beside me...
you with your morning beauty...
your face.. covered by your long hair..
your lips.. slightly parted..
like it's longing for a kiss..
a kiss that i wouldn't mind giving...

yes...
even in the morning..
with my eyes open..
i still dream..

with every passing minute..
i distract myself with reality...
i drown myself in the company of faces..
a crowd of names..
and all that i notice...
is you not being there..

i close my eyes..
and thoughts of you invade my mind..
like stars that flood the black sky..
the kiss that i cannot taste...
the warmth that doesn't exists..
yes.. even before i sleep..
with my eyes close..
i still dream..

and i'd see you there..
maybe in a lolita dress..
holding a butcher's knife..
looking at me...
or sitting in a coffee shop..
smiling and laughing..
or in hell selling ice cream..
looking all pretty with your braided hair..
outside the waking world..
i know i'd see you there..

i open my eyes...
my thoughts are of you..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

the dream's over

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

one day.. we will all gonna run out of excuses..

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"if you want to be special.. you're gonna have to be alone.."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"what do you do when you win?"

"party!"

"what do you do when you lose..?"

"PARTY HARDER!"
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sometimes.. all we need is a dead end..

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"if you want to know the truth about someone.. that someone is the last person you should ask.."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"come back here you stupid bird and let me love you!"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"you don't take things seriously because they matter.. and when they matter.. you get hurt.."

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i fucking barely know you..
so yes.. i can easily forget you..
yeah yeah.. you're funny.. but you're not the only one..
you're beautiful.. but there are more beautiful girls than you.. with tattoos if i may add..
yes you're smart.. but i know a lot of smart women too..
yes.. it's true that there wasn't a day that i haven't thought about you since..
i can still remember the pink poncho like thingy you wore the first time you caught my eyes..
the way you rushed because you're running late..
the 1.8 second eye contact..
and the mini heart attack that it gave me..
yeah i can still remember..
but you're not the only awesome person in the world..
it's true that i want to be the right person for you...
but you didn't want me.. you don't want me...
i tried showing you who i really am..
and you didn't like it..
you don't like me...
so it's a dead end for me right..?
so i'll just forget you...


...

who the hell am i kidding...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

that moment..
when your phone beeps or rings..
and you hope it is that person who's trying to reach you...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

another friday night..
i m not sure if you noticed but it was always friday when i got to spend time with you...
well yeah.. those 5 minutes counts...
i'm drinking.. trying my best not to reach you..
i don't want to be that pesky desperate guy..
i'm afraid that i'll just annoy you or say something stupid..
i'm not sure how long i can hold it.. or hold this..
i hope i can get through the night..
i still think about you..
all the time unfortunately...
i hope i'd stop..
but do i really want to..?
i'm writing another letter i'm sure you wouldn't read..
crazy.. yeah.. i know...
i'm trying my best to function..
i'm still able to..
as long as i'm able to ignore this heavy feeling in my heart..
i'm able to get through the day..
but i'm having lapses...
even with the company of friends.. i still fell lonesome..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

i know i'm not miserable..
but i can't say i'm happy..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"if i could.. i would.. but i can't.. so i shan't.."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

so here i am..
stalking your facebook page again... :)
which is pathetic if you think about it.. but what the hell...
i saw this status of yours.. saying something about hearts colliding with his name tagged at the end..
i hope your hearts were crushed when it collided..
i'm joking.. but jokes are half meant.. so. :3
well i threw my heart to you..
i missed..

fuck...

i don't think about you that much anymore..
ever since i read about that stupid fucking status...
to be honest.. i was thinking of confronting you..
i want to ask you directly if you already like someone...
i guess i don't have to now..
i feel stupid..

fuck..

but you're not the center of the universe..
neither am i...
so in the big scheme of things.. it's not that bad..

still..
i still feel the same way about you..
and i feel stupid...

but i do hope you're happy...
i think i already accepted the fact that i am the one farthest from your mind..

i hope he breaks your heart.. :)

this is the last time that i'm gonna bitch and whine about you...
it's been days.. and i haven't heard from you...
but i'm not hoping anymore...
i don't check my phone every minute just to check if you have a text..
i guess i'm not that crazy about you anymore..
but that doesn't mean my feelings changed..

it sounds crazy because we really didn't spend much time together..
but i was confident when i said those words to you..
when you told me "i see you as a friend"..
unfortunately.. i still feel the same way..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

pinagiisipan ko nun kung isusulat ko ba talaga to..?
but i thought.. well you weren't interested in me.. so malabo na mabasa mo to...
well the idea is..
one day.. after a year or so... i'm gonna read this shit again..
and naiisip ko lang..
would i laugh because of the fact that i was stupid..?
or would i smile because i'm with the girl who sold ice cream in hell..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

flobots and envy on the coast..

it's not really comic sans.. refresh the web page and it will reveal a secret.. :)

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"the price of getting what you want.. is getting what you once wanted.." -dream

maybe.. the reason why some people do not "want" things.. is because they are afraid of getting them.. not losing them once they have "it"..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

not sure if we are really good people pretending to be bad..
or bad people pretending to be good...


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

a friend of mine told me this..

we humans.. we have 2 wolves inside.. one white.. the other is black..

we feed the white wolf with virtues.. like honesty.. respect..
honor and other good deeds..

the black wolf.. we feed it with sins.. like dishonesty.. lust..
treachery.. etc..

we can only feed the wolves one at a time..
and the wolf that you fatten up.. is the one that's gonna take your character...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

love is suicide... - (bodies)smashing pumpkins

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

mrs. wormwood: any questions..?
calvin: what's the point of human existence..?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

if you don't know what you want..
try to at least know the things that you don't want..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

the hopeless: define love..
the romantic: love is.. when i found you.. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

the hopeless: hahahahaha! wag kang ganyan.. baka dibdibin ko yan..
kung joke man yan.. it means half meant yan.. so you half love me..! yey!
the romantic: asa...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

a beautiful girl once told me a story about sponge bob..

sponge bob and squidward are walking.. then suddenly sponge bob hears someone crying..
sponge bob suddenly stops.. then signals squidward to stop too and accidentally hits him in the face with his hand.. squidward falls to the ground..

sponge bob: i hear sounds of despair..
squidward: maybe it's just me..
sponge bob: no.. not bitterness... despair...

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"anything that you can acquire.. is something that you will eventually lose.."

you're worth the pain..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

the bear.. the shark.. and the prey..

shark - hey man..
bear - what's up my nigga..?

shark - okay naman.. salamat sa diyos natapos
din..
bear - okay ka lang ba jan..? anung meron jan...?

shark - secret.. hahahahaha!
bear - langya.. baket..?

shark - di pwedeng sabihin eh.. rules.. we have to
follow then sometimes..
bear - tangna.. fine.. pwedeng humingi ng clue..?
hehe..

shark - hahahaha! hinde.. hahaha!
bear - o sya.. chong.. dami mong pinaiyak na
chics ah.. hahaha! nabasa ko pa yung mga texts
sa phone mo.. puro chics.. may breakfast
conversation pa kayo ni entity ..

shark - hahaha! bakit mo binasa..?
bear - wala lang.. gusto ko lang malaman yung
thoughts mo.. parang balita ko "unhappy" ka
daw.. tas may balak ka pang magresign.. sa iba
ko pa nalaman..

shark - sorry chong.. kung pwede ko lang sabihin
sayo eh.. pero ayun na nga.. rules...
bear - parang sa the martyrs.. "keep doubting" o
sya.. keep the mystery.. eto na lang.. may
tampo o galit ka ba saken..? o masaya o
malungkot ka ba bago mangyari yun..?

shark - dre.. you're my brother from another
mother.. i can't give out straight answers..
you can figure it out by yourself.. sensya
na..
bear - this is really is a one way conversation
isn't it..?

shark - parang ganon na nga... hehe..
bear - nakuha mo na yung text ko sayo..? i feel
like an idiot talking to you.. i mean.. alam
ko naman na di ka magrereply.. unless kung may
nagpapaload jan..

shark - hahahaha! i'm watching you man.. all of
you.. so in a way alam ko yung gusto mong
sabihin..
bear - what the fuck..!? don't tell me nababasa
mo yung thoughts ko...?

shark - hahahahaha! sikretong malupit..
hahahahaha!
bear - naknampucha.. if you're watching then alam
mo pag sumasomething ako..?

shark - parang ganun na nga hahahahaha! pero okay
lang.. gawain ko din naman yun at pag
magsisimula ka na lumilipat ako sa iba..
hahahaha!
bear - that is sick.. ngayon kailangan ko pang
magpaalam sa yo.. hahahaha!

shark - hahahaha! di naman.. my spider sense will
tell me pag punta ka na dun.. pag nakita ko na
si tori black alam na.. hahahaha!
bear - hahahaha! pano na to chong.. yung mga
plano naten..? blanko tuloy ako kung anung
gagawin ko...

shark - sensya na chong.. pero ngayon lang yan..
maaga pa.. ituloy mo lang..
bear - pero ibang usapan na ngayon eh.. dati we
have each other's back.. nagbabatuhan ng
ideas.. pero tayong gumagawa.. sobrang nagflip
o nagfiflip o ayaw ko lang pansinin na nagbago
na.. gusto kong ideny eh.. di ko nga rin alam
kung nagsink in na talaga.. tangna ka kasi..
you're fucking full of secrets and surprises..

shark - chics dig it.. hahahahaha!
bear - pakyu.. hahahaha!

shark - sayo naman nangaling to eh.. the sasuke
effect.. hahahaha!
bear - ah.. kaya palang may "anung breakfast
mo..?" at "pancit canton with egg" na mga text
sayo si entity.. hahahaaha!

shark - pakyu.. hahahahaha!
bear - tas si shorty pa yung huling ka text mo..
mejo surreal lang.. naalala mo.. dati sa bear0th
ave sya pa yung unang nakapunta sa ospital
nung nagka potasium shit ka nun.. tas nung
huli nga sya pa yung unang nakaalam.. tas eto
pa.. dun ka din sa dating kwarto mismo sa
kwarto na yung namin nakita.. dun sa dating
kwartong pinagstayan mo.. taenalang...

shark - hanep lang eh no.. the sense of humor of
the universe..
bear - shit lang.. ngayon ko lang din nalaman na
mejo close kayo eh.. kras ka pa naman nun.. at
tabang calix pa sya.. hahahaha!

shark - hahahaha! no comment.. hahahaha!
bear - well kung sakali lang naman na
magkatuluyan kayo.. it will be awkward at
first.. but i know she'll be in good hands..
and besides.. you are a hopeless romantic and
a cheesy sonofabitch.. haha!

shark - hahaha! pakyu.. pero malabo namang
mangyari yun.. magtropa lang talaga..
bear - i know.. i'm just saying.. by the way yung
kay jack and jill.. group message pala yun..
she's not upset or bitter.. but i guess you
already know that..

shark - yep..
bear - ang daming tao nung huling gabi.. you are
loved pare.. can't imagine na unhappy ka pa sa
lagay na yun

shark - hahahaha! oo nga eh..
bear - tanga.. kailangan pa bang may mangyaring
ganun para lang magkitakita ulit..?

shark - eh dre.. ganun talaga eh..
bear - narinig mo ba yung conversation namin ni
dax..? nila noel at aboy..? chaka ni sasmon..?

shark - yep.. mejo..
bear - i guess you herd a lot of things.. thank
god you can't read minds..

shark - or do i..? hahaha!
bear - yung sa DUI nga pala baka utol ni DJ yung
mag bass muna.. di ko alam kung anong plano ng
TOW.. susubukan namin buoin yung compo.. yung
prototype..

shark - ah cge cge..
bear - chong nga pala.. yung 30 AG para sakin ba
yun..? mejo galit kasi at yun yung time na
mejo.. alam mo na.. yung nutella incident..

shark - hahahahaha! keep doubting..
bear - fuck that phrase..

*silence*
*silence*

bear - i'm sure alam mo naman kung anung
nangyayari kay delara.. we don't talk that
much anymore..
shark - yep.. alam ko naman yun...

bear - bisita ka ulit sa utak ko..
shark - oo naman..

bear - ang weirdo naman na naguusap tayo ng
ganito..
shark - hahaha! mejo.. o sya may bibisitahin pa
ko.. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

bear - hahahahah! ano..? mag the the ring ka ba o
the grudge..?
shark - surprise dre.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

bear - i'll see you so soon on the other side
man..
shark - i'm pretty sure you will...

when one of the endless gave me something that i've been waiting for..

you were talking to someone.. he wasn't familiar to me..
maybe a stranger i saw somewhere while wandering..
you were trying to skate a longboard..
although i didn't know you were into that kind of shit..
"shit" here is not a derogatory word..

i wasn't sure if you're wearing your "i came from the dark side.." shirt but was pretty sure it was black..

next thing i remember we were inside this room with 2 double deck beds..
you're reading comic books and a couple of books about comics..
i think they're about spiderman..
i remember this particular book.. "venom remembers it all"

anyway you went out and told us.. (i m not sure who "us" were) it was your lunch break and went out of the room..
we went out as well and the next i knew we were in a SMish kind of mall..

you were nowhere in sight..
i saw a black spiderman (the symbiote version)looking at himself in the mirror.. he was kind of small and bulky.. like a cartoon trying to live a real life... i remember his toes.. it was like the symbiote was trying to fit on every corner and curves of his body...

i was gonna go up using the escalator but only half of it is working..
and on the other half there was a surfer short laying on there..
i went up and saw you at the counter but walked away from your direction.. i admit that i was a little upset because you didn't talk to me or at least tried after "IT" happened..

and then you followed me..

it was like you're stil a functioning human being altough we both know what the real situation was..
i asked what it is you bought and you told me it s something from PR
i asked if it was PRP or people are people.. because it's weird (as if talking to you isn't weird enough) that you'd purchase something from there.. it was very out of character..
you just smiled like an idiot...

and then the conversation..

me: so is there an other side..?
you: oo dre..

me: bakit ang tagal mong magpakita..? ganun ba kabusisi yun..?
you: oo.. medyo..

me: but.. i mean.. it's God.. he's all powerful and omnipotent and all...
at pag na judge ka na.. yun na yun.. di ba..?

(i remember there was a methapor about names but i m not sure what was it.. and i know there was something else that we talked about but i can't remember what it was..)

but i remember telling you that i'll write the shirt that i was wearing on my arms so i'll know "THIS" really happened..

we walked outside..
we came to this little street and you were walking way ahead in front of me...
i was trying to follow you.. to catch up with you...
there was a tricycle that went by and i accidentally hit the eye of the driver's son with my elbow.. i apologized with a hand gesture..

you were already at this small eatery.. and i remember there wasn't much food in it.. there was 1 "lumpia".. a couple of other shit (again the "shit" here is not a derogatory word..) and tokwa't baboy..

you were trying to put your stuff inside your bass guitar case..

you looked at me...



then i woke up at the sound of my alarm clock..

blood brothers and the nutella incident..

first of all.. FUCK YOU.. yes you.. god damn retarded mother fucker.. you left too soon.. too fucking soon.. we have plans remember..? now what the hell do you want me to do now..? the bastard..

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

this one for you and i m writing this with my head all blurry and my thoughts disorganized.. i don t even give a fuck about grammar.. god damn it dude.. what the hell?

tangina lang.. hangang ngayon parang di totoo ang mga nangyayare.. ngayon lang nangyare na napunta ako sa ganitong situation.. ang yabang yabang ko pa.. sabi ko pa kay vans na " di pa nangyayare sakin yun" tas wala pang isang lingo gumawa ka na ng eksena..

alam mo.. kaya ako inis na inis eh yung thought na nawala ka ng malungkot ka.. yung alam kong nahihirapan ka.. tangina lang di ba..? nasasaktan ka na nga eh... tas ganon pa yung huling mararamdaman mo.. tangina lang.. tang ina lang talaga...

sa iba ko pa malalaman na may balak ka na palang magresign.. baket..? putang ina sumagot ka.. magsulat ka ng dugo sa pader oh ng finger print sa salamin.. puta lang.. tangina di ako matatakot.. basta alam kong anjan ka.. existing kahit hindi tangible..

oh ano na..? langya ka... kung nakita mo lang ichura ng tatay mo nung nasa station kame..

panno na yung gundam..?
pano ng yung DUI..?
pano na yung TUSO..?

ano..? iiwan mo saken..? langya.. lalo na ung TUSO.. puta.. kakasabi ko lang sayo nung iksang lingo na 2 years.. 2 years lang pare.. dapat may shop na tayo.. eh puta isang lingo pa lang wala ka na..?

ampota..

oh tapos anung gagawin ni delara..? ayun nagmumukmok.. langya ka eh.. umasa na sayo eh.. di pa kayo halos nagsisimula eh ayan na.. ninja vanish ka na..

yung pamilya mo. mga kaibigan mo... pucha.. alam mo ba nageksena pa ko sa opisina nung nalaman ko..? di pa nga agad nag sink in eh.. tangna nakita pa ko ni TL leign na humahagulgol.. sira ang reputasyon...

parang di totoo ang mga nangyayare.. nakita ko yung sapatos mo.. yung MP3 player.. nakita nga kita eh.. parang tulog ka lang.. di ako magugulat pag bigla kang dumilat.. sabi nung isang taga traffic.. nakuha ka daw may earphones ka pa.. gusto kong tignan kung ano yung huling pinapakingan mo pero natakot ako na baka pag narinig ko ulit eh may maalala akong di maganda..

chong naman.. kaw na nga lang yung tropa kong lalake na kaclose ko eh.. pucha.. ano to...?
tang ina.. sana gumising ako bukas na isang panaginip lang to..

tangina..

life's a bitch.. it will fuck you for free..

it is such a beautiful world.. weh..? di nga..?

oo.. kay sarap isipin na nabubuhay tayo sa isang mundo na puno ng pagmamahalan, bubuyog, paruparo, bulaklak at bahaghari.. pero bakit ganito ang mga balita..? batang babae ni rape bago pinatay.. batang babae pinatay bago ni-rape..  mga batang na lansangan nagbubukas ng taxi  para mang-snatch at nanununtok ng driver na pangit.. mga batang nagpaparkour para makapagnakaw ng cellphone.. mga bantang buntis.. mga batang nagdodroga sa hagdanan  ng MRT sa cubao station.. mga batang nakikipag cybersex para kumita.. mga batang namumulot ng basurang tinapon mo sa estero.. mga batang nakukuryente dahil kinukuha ang tanso ng mga powerlines ng meralco.. mga batang ninanakaw ang baril ng tatay nilang pulis para patayin ang syota nilang malindi pa sa higad sa loob ng classroom tas magpapakamatay para my chemical romance kunwari..


bakit ganito..?
dahil ba sa kahirapan..? eh bakit sila naghihirap..? dahil ba mahirap ang magulang  nila..? eh bakit mahirap ang magulang nila..? dahil ba dati silang mga adik..? eh bakit sila nag adik..? dahil ba nagrebelde sila sa magulang nila..? eh bakit sila nagrebelde..? dahil di sila naiintindihan at nabibigyan ng atensyon..? eh bakit di sila naiintindihan at nabibigyan ng atensyon..? dahil ba busy ang parents nila sa pangangaliwa at pagpapayaman..? eh bakit sila nagpapayaman..? para mabigyan ng baon ang mga anak nila na pambibili lang ng droga dahil nagrerebelde sila sa magulang nila kasi di sila nabibigyan ng atensyon..?

nagtatanong lang ako.. baka may nakaka-alam ng sagot..

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

di ko alam kung tumatalino ang mga bagong henerasyon o bumubobo..
sabi ng isang propesor ko sa PUP.. "dapat mas matalino kayo sa magulang nyo.."
buti na lang di ko naging tatay si Einstein..
pero hangang ngayon pinipilit ko parin na mahigitan ang mga magulang ko..
balang araw magagawa ko din yun..
ilabyu ermats.. ilabyu erpats..
salamat sa pagpapalaki nyo saken at di ko kailangan makipag cyber-sex para kumita ng pera..
salamat sa pagpalo sa kamay ko nung tinuturuan nyo kong mag sulat..
salamat sa pagpigil saking manood ng cartoons hangat di ko pa tapos basahin ang A BA KA DA..
salamat nung sinabi nyong di totoo si robo-cop..
salamat nung sinunog nyo yung mga paborito kong street fighter na tex.. pero paborito ko talaga yun eh lalo na yung vega collection ko..

pero dahil sa pag didisiplina nyo sakin.. natuto akong magsulat.. magbasa.. wag mabuhay sa ilusyon.. at di masyadong maadik sa pagsusugal..

kaya lang nakuha ko din yung masasamang ugali nyo eh..
at balang araw magiging totoo si robo-cop..

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*